- On A Personal Note -

A quarterly newsletter on my life as an artist from Selina Starkillr

2025 was NOT it for me… And yet, here I am, alive and well in 2026. How did it go for you? It’s been a while since we last connected, and so very much has happened. Let’s catch up, shall we?

​
​Last year was full of surprises for me, momentous highs and deep, dark lows. I started and ended a business partnership, joined and left a drag house, performed new nerdlesque & burlesque acts, shared my art at private gigs, and returned to the type of container my art was born in to close out the year. I produced multiple variety shows, birthed new acts, inspired top producers in the state with my new ideas, removed any connections that didn’t serve me, and, most importantly, I stood up for my boundaries.

While all of these wonderful wins were in progress, I was struggling and burning out. Almost everything outside of the arts and my marriage was awful, challenging, and frustrating. But with all that grief came lessons of learning to re-prioritize myself and my own wellness first.

TW: The next section contains triggering topics of family health issues, friend breakups, and animal welfare.

In late 2024, I co-created a new event production company with another burlesque artist and produced multiple variety shows with a focus on providing a more secure and fun experience for the talent. I built the entire business from the ground up, using all the tricks I had learned from project management to set up a sustainable system for us on the back end.

I integrated every trick I had learned from working in corporate and small business ventures to set us up for the future… automations, schedules, and task trackers. I funded the business with my own money when we needed supplies, custom tip buckets, stipends for traveling performers, and more.

I tried my best to provide a more secure environment for the performers, where their safety and comfort came FIRST. By creating emergency contact forms and leading in a trauma-informed way, I sought to help newbies have a better intro to working in nightlife, and for experienced people to have an easier time as well. And if something did go wrong, I led with care, curiostiy and concern. Always seeking to make things right for that person AND the next people who came afterward.

My last production was a true challenge, one I’ll speak about more soon. The circumstances behind the scenes with the venue and the business partnership were causing a huge rupture to form. My business partner had not been participating in the necessary tasks for the business while claiming that they would get done, leading to a huge pileup of tasks on me while I was already burnt out, communicating that I was, and that I desperately needed help.

Despite everything that happened before, during, and after that show, I must say everyone we booked that night was incredible. They showed up and showed out and were pleasures to work with!

After a month away to clear my head, rest through my burnout, and decide how I wanted to move forward, I decided to end the production company and walk away from my business partnership and previous mentorship. I need to reclaim my autonomy, energy, and space. I no longer wanted to be objectified and taken advantage of, and so I chose.

That process was hard, painful, and I grieved the business, artistic vision, and person I had poured everything into for almost a year of my life, along with the promises unkept by the business partner.

During all this, I gained and then lost the highest-paid job I ever had. I had leveraged my experience as a virtual assistant and corporate marketing manager into a fully remote position that paid me double what my last place did.

Everything seemed great, and I was getting ready to start spreading the wealth by hiring other burlesque artists to help me with my personal artistic goals. I had plans to attend BurlyCon, the west coast burlesque convention. I had plans to travel and save for a home that my husband and I could call our own.

That all changed when, one day out of the blue, I was immediately let go, with no notice and only half of my pay for the month, due to the owner suddenly losing clients. They could no longer afford to keep me on the team and had to downsize, and so I was back to square one, job-wise.

It's taken me a while to find out what I truly want to do for work during my day job, but I finally believe I've found a good solution for both my pockets and my soul! Wish me luck and positivity on that journey if you want to!

​
​In early 2025, my grandmother was diagnosed with dementia, which accelerated quickly. Moving her into a care facility and tackling the never-ending task of cleaning her house with my family was difficult and still is…

She’s a lifelong hoarder, and as much as it hurts to say it… We’re STILL cleaning and repairing her home after almost an entire year of this effort. This is not the first time everyone has had to rally to clear out her house when she’s been extremely ill. It’s an incredibly exhausting and stressful task every time, but we're making progress.

Slowly but surely, the house is restored to a livable habitat, and my grandmother is cared for well with my father's help. Though she continues to decline, I am grateful for her improved living conditions and the fact that there is help with her caregiving, for both her and my father now.

​
​At around the same time, my beloved dog-daughter, animal best friend, and support animal, Raven Wigglepaw, started her descent through a degenerative disease.

Every day, my husband and I expended great physical, mental, and emotional effort to keep her well and in good spirits. Taking her for walks in her wheelchair and carrying her about the house turned into an endless amount of tasks for her every day as she lost more control over her own body.

We got more time with her than we had originally estimated, and we kept her comfortable until the very end with generous donations from our community. In September, we had to decide to let her go, for her own comfort. I still miss her every single day.

What hurt most was that while I was struggling to keep my head up while dealing with the crushing weight of so many family caregiving expectations, financial burdens, Raven's & my Grandmother's declines, trying to remain an active performer, looking for a new job, and more… My business partner had stopped showing up for the business, leaving the entire weight of the business on my shoulders...

A prominent producer copied my idea for an all Villain’s variety show, and then made sure to announce their version a month before my Villains show was scheduled to happen.

All my scheduled productions, including my villain's show that had been copied, were cancelled without any advanced notice, while I was still waiting for pay from the venue for the last one show.

A person had a bad experience at one of my shows and was hurt by it. The person responsible had not taken the one step they needed to, to make sure it wouldn't happen and now I was responsible for participating in a situation that caused someone pain.

Another producer called me and two other people "white devils" in an email for simply asking for details, accountability, and information on an event by a certain date. AND...

​
The drag house I was in decided I was no longer a member of their “family”. Except they didn’t even have the decency to tell me. I found out by realizing I was removed from the group chats, without any of them ever asking me for my side of the story.

​
​Last year, I gave everyone everything I had. I created a business, joined a house, started a new show series that led with performer consideration first, gave two different producers so much inspiration they copied me for their own productions, booked local talent of all levels, pushed for more/fair/clear pay for performers, stood up for injustice in our community publicly and vocally, performed acts that transmute the pan I was in, gave my all to my beloved family, dog, grandmother, husband and what I thought was my chosen family.

​
​This year, I’m keeping all of my energy closer to home. Closer to ME. I’m moving in different energetic circles, surrounding myself with people who don’t TAKE my energy but instead amplify it.

Taking time to rest, heal, and release everything that happened to me in late 2024 and all of 2025. And learning to share my story again.

​
​And so I wish to thank you for reading and sharing your energy back. I’ll have more stories for you soon, but first I must rest.

I’m wishing you a beautiful new year of happiness, healing, and light. May we continue to protect our sacred energy through 2026 so our highest healing can come as a collective and individually. I know that will be my personal focus this year.
​

Thank you for your sustained support, good vibes, and reading eyes,

Selina Starkillr